Originally Posted - Tuesday, April 26, 2011
I found this article/blog from Betty Confidential interesting. Many of us women (I'm guilty of this as well) think we can have occassional sex with men and not develop feelings. Knowing what I know now I would not recommend this type of relationship. It can get lonely sometimes and some of us can't go without very long and we think he/she may be filling a need on occassions but somebody is bound to catch real feelings and more than likely the other person won't be on the "same page" which equates to rejection & someone feelings get hurt. It's best to get a hobby or seriously consider celibacy. Isn't Ashton Kutcher dreamy, love him!
Angie
http://www.bettyconfidential.com/ar/ld/a/can-no-strings-attached-relationships-really-work.html
-Lindsay Tigar
When Harry Met Sally taught us that men and women can never be just friends. He’s Just Not That Into You showed us how to stop obsessing about every detail and accept there are no exceptions (until of course, the end of the movie). And The Ugly Truth shed light on the true power a woman has over a man, simply with her body.
But what about the notorious "friends with benefits" relationship? Have no fear, our rom com instructional guide about sex without relationships, No Strings Attached, comes out this Friday, starring Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher.
While the movie is sure to be a hopeless (or is it hopeful?) romantic crowd pleaser – us Bettys wonder if there is any merit or benefit to shagging without commitment. Or really, if it is a possibility without wrecking our (or his) emotions. I mean, don’t most FWBs leave us wondering WTF?
To help unravel the sheets and get to the core of these partnerships that so many women admit being involved in – we spoke to two experts: Manhattan-based fourth-generation matchmaker, Maria Avgitidis or better known as Maria the Date Coach, and Stephanie Florman, a relationship coach who’s been featured on Fox News, blogtalkradio, and more. They give us the scoop on this relationship that’s gaining media action and encouraging hook-ups nationwide:
When did the "Friends with Benefits" relationship become so mainstream?
Maria: Although I'd argue "FWB" has always existed through the history of sex, I believe its "mainstream" popularity became prevalent in the '90s, mostly due to its entrance in popular sitcoms like Melrose Place and 90210.
Stephanie: I would say there are 3 factors that have made FWB mainstream: First, online dating leads us to believe that the perfect person is just a check box away, so our expectations have increased as we have lost our ability to compromise. Secondly, we live in a world that creates commitment phobic people; there are too many choices and we know that the newer, bigger, better model is just around the corner. Lastly, people are waiting until later to get married or are questioning if they want marriage. In theory, a FWB can fulfill the relationship need, while making it clear that the relationship is not the priority.
Is it possible to have a "successful" friends-with-benefits relationship?
Maria: Yes, as long as both parties understand that a FWB relationship is not a "normal" relationship. Communication should be limited to sex, no sleepovers, and most importantly, not often! I think the reason why FWB relationships don't last is because some "couples" enjoy the sex, and do it too often, thus confusing at least one party in the relationship into lust/love. If the other party is on the road to FWB, and the other is driving a FWB to a relationship, someone is bound to get hurt... and that someone is the driver.
Stephanie: It sounds great in theory, but it is not possible to have a “successful” FWB relationship because men and women are fundamentally different when it comes to sex. A man is physically designed to have sex with no strings attached. A woman is designed to have sex selectively, which means she cannot have sex and detach -- thanks to a little hormone called oxytocin (men have this hormone also, women are just more affected by it). This is the “bonding” hormone that makes the woman want to cuddle, connect emotionally and communicate about the relationship. The female brain needs to talk about relationships like the male brain needs sex.
What are the pros and cons of a FWB relationship?
Maria: Pros: SEX! And it's probably good sex too... otherwise, what on earth is the point? Cons: Someone might fall in love, and as most FWB would have it, it's all down hill from there.
Stephanie: The pros of a FWB relationship only happen when you add commitment into the equation. If you add commitment, FWB becomes the relationship ideal men and women are searching for. We all want the friendship; someone we trust, respect and admire, who we enjoy spending time with, a person who shares our values and interests and who we communicate well with. We also want the sexual benefits; someone we are attracted to and have chemistry with and a person who is sexually compatible with us. The commitment will soothe the female brain that needs clarity and harmony to function properly, and this harmony will make her more trusting. The more she trusts the guy, the more open she will become which means more sexual fun and experimentation for both of you.
Would you ever recommend this type of relationship?
Maria: I don't believe a FWB is a relationship, per se. A relationship would imply work into a partnership. Thus, I wouldn't recommend a FWB situation as your only relationship resource. If you're looking for something casual, sure. But otherwise, stay away if you’re the type who gets insecure or jealous or easily attached!
Stephanie: No, because it does not make sense biologically. The guy will get excited about the proposition and will want to follow the rules of engagement, while the girl will agree to accept this arrangement with the secret hope that she will change his mind and become his girlfriend (not the girl he is having sex with). A FWB relationship can also become a messy situation if one person decides they want a committed relationship. The friend becomes a threat to your future relationships’ success.
Maria: I know one couple that’s made FWB work for almost 10 months. Though they are friends and hang out once or twice among friends, they do meet once a month for sex. It's worked because they set up limits from the get go. That limit was limiting having sex to a maximum twice a month between them.
Stephanie: There was one girl that engaged in a FWB "relationship" because neither party wanted to engage in a serious relationship at the time due to their hectic schedules. She fell in love with him, but he continued to view her as a sex buddy. Long story short, once he realized she grew feelings, he disappeared. When he began their FWB relationship, it was under a different pretense, which no longer existed. He wasn't willing to meet the way she felt about him, and ultimately she got hurt.
Is it just the stuff of movies, or can friends with benefits be a fun way to have sex with no commitment?
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