Originally posted - Wednesday, December 30, 2009
My Ex has got to be the most complicated, interesting and frustrating person I know. When we first met back in Aug 2005 he approached me with that southern school boy charm and I thought he seems like a really polite man. However, was definitely not my type? He was too country, mixed with a splash of ghetto and at first not that attractive to me. He is very thin; I mean Snoop Dog thin. He later grew on me and I came to appreciate he wasn’t that bad looking in the face but still thin as hell. I realized he had more than a splash but was full blown ghetto. He grew up in the projects of Atlanta and talked, acted and represented just like the typical Atlanta guy’s you see in rap videos, etc. He was too old to be wearing his pants sagging and stuff but he still had that same mentality and that same talk. He was fascinating to me; I had never met or known anybody like him. Yet he was so gentle and so impressed with me that I actually felt like I was really somebody when I was with him. He was definitely good for my ego. He fell in love with me instantly it was not that instant for me but when I did fall; I fell hard.
First few months he kept up the good, polite and southern gentleman front for a while and became my BEST FRIEND literally. We were inseparable. He was my shopping buddy, my talk too buddy, my laugh buddy and after a few months of being best friends; became my sex buddy. Then he turned my ass out and it went down hill from there. Considering he was also 8 years younger was a concern but also a thrill. I loved his youth (in many ways mentally he was a lot younger than 8 years), his southern accent would crack me up every time, and kept me laughing non stop. He is the FUNNIEST man I know. I always tell him he should be a stand up comedian; his God given gift is being wasted.
Our sex life in the beginning was explosive, frequent and perfect. However, I was still over thinking if he was really my type. Should we have just been good friends; over thinking all the would if’s. I have a tendency to turn to another man to break the bond I have with the current man. Falling for someone is scary and I always feel like if I don’t let myself get too attached then I won’t get hurt. Angela’s crazy theory is: the best way to break the attachment with a man is to turn to another one; even if it’s just on occasions. Even though my ex was everything I was looking for I was still afraid and turned to someone else purposely. He found out because I talk too damn much and I’m too honest. He was hurt but he still wanted to try. He didn’t understand my philosophy of we were just good friends at that time. He said in his mind I was the only girl he was sexing, the only girl he wanted so in his mind I was his girl. I debated I wasn’t really his girl because we hadn’t made it official and I would mention to him that I wasn’t sure if I was ready for a commitment. So in my mind we were just good friends. I can understand his side but I can understand my side too. Just because sex is involved; these days doesn’t mean you are in a committed relationship. That’s why these days trying to define what you are to someone can be confusing. My theory is if he hasn’t asked you to be his then your not. You can get hurt assuming.
Out of hurt and frustration on his part he then turned to someone else. The bad thing is by that point I realized I really loved him. Then I felt betrayed. Every since that first girl he was with things never really got better and 3 other girls (that I know of) followed throughout our 4 year relationship. We held onto each other for 4 years but it was due to habit and attachment. We had some great memories but a lot of it was chaos and dysfunction. I was more in love with him then he was with me; so it seemed. He most definitely was not relationship ready but would never let me go; no matter what. I fought and pleaded with him to do right by me. In his mind he was even though he was lying and sleeping around on occasions. In between the many break ups I turned to others as well. Some of the guys I just dated and couple I was intimate with. But none had ever replaced him in my heart. He was still my focus, my pain and joy all rolled into one. I finally found one guy that I had intense chemistry and attraction for and we made an attempt but that didn’t work out because he was afraid I would go back to my ex and basically ditched me. I was crushed because he would have been almost perfect for me. Even though he was 13 years younger than me (I will talk about me and younger men in my next blog).
Fast forwarding to the present I broke up with my ex for good in July 2009. In his mind I’m still his girl. We went 4 months without seeing each. That was the longest time ever. I really thought well it is definitely over. I adjusted well; was being strong and had moved on in every way possible. We still talked every day though. Except for those few occasion when he would get pissed at me and not call for 2-3 days but he can’t go without calling longer than that. Too be honest I can’t either. We are so attached to each other still. I know he isn’t the right man for me but our bond is so strong. I care for him very deeply and apart of me will always love him but I am not in love with him. He professes to still be in love with me and tells me quite often “I don’t give a damn what you think or say your still mine. When you come at me with that bullshit I just ignore you”. Lately he will say “you know I really love you right”. I will look away and not say anything or if we are on the phone I will say “sure you do”. He will then say “I know you don’t believe me but I really do love you. We have put in too much time; we’re stuck with each other baby”. I never agree but don’t disagree. I just leave it alone. He even makes comments to his friends saying “my girl still loves me”. I guess because I never correct him in his mind I am agreeing with him. The problem is I am not in agreement but I don’t have the heart to tell him he is wrong. For that I am wrong. I always think well when I get into another serious relationship he will know then but in the mean time I don’t want to hurt him. Then again sometimes I don’t even feel guilty about that because; even though he professes to still love me his actions don’t show it. He is great on lip service but piss poor with actions. That’s why I don’t take him seriously. I have learned to drown him out. He was under the impression that if we saw each other once a month that was great even though we live a 15 minute drive from each other. He always wanted me to accept so little and yet stick with him. I was always trying to give 115%. He was only giving 10% but I was supposed to be grateful. I think the man is bi-polar for real for real. Next week he will be in a foul mood and won’t be able to stand my voice or will be very short with me. Then again he says I have 3 different personalities. Well hell maybe we are perfect for each other; just joking!
First few months he kept up the good, polite and southern gentleman front for a while and became my BEST FRIEND literally. We were inseparable. He was my shopping buddy, my talk too buddy, my laugh buddy and after a few months of being best friends; became my sex buddy. Then he turned my ass out and it went down hill from there. Considering he was also 8 years younger was a concern but also a thrill. I loved his youth (in many ways mentally he was a lot younger than 8 years), his southern accent would crack me up every time, and kept me laughing non stop. He is the FUNNIEST man I know. I always tell him he should be a stand up comedian; his God given gift is being wasted.
Our sex life in the beginning was explosive, frequent and perfect. However, I was still over thinking if he was really my type. Should we have just been good friends; over thinking all the would if’s. I have a tendency to turn to another man to break the bond I have with the current man. Falling for someone is scary and I always feel like if I don’t let myself get too attached then I won’t get hurt. Angela’s crazy theory is: the best way to break the attachment with a man is to turn to another one; even if it’s just on occasions. Even though my ex was everything I was looking for I was still afraid and turned to someone else purposely. He found out because I talk too damn much and I’m too honest. He was hurt but he still wanted to try. He didn’t understand my philosophy of we were just good friends at that time. He said in his mind I was the only girl he was sexing, the only girl he wanted so in his mind I was his girl. I debated I wasn’t really his girl because we hadn’t made it official and I would mention to him that I wasn’t sure if I was ready for a commitment. So in my mind we were just good friends. I can understand his side but I can understand my side too. Just because sex is involved; these days doesn’t mean you are in a committed relationship. That’s why these days trying to define what you are to someone can be confusing. My theory is if he hasn’t asked you to be his then your not. You can get hurt assuming.
Out of hurt and frustration on his part he then turned to someone else. The bad thing is by that point I realized I really loved him. Then I felt betrayed. Every since that first girl he was with things never really got better and 3 other girls (that I know of) followed throughout our 4 year relationship. We held onto each other for 4 years but it was due to habit and attachment. We had some great memories but a lot of it was chaos and dysfunction. I was more in love with him then he was with me; so it seemed. He most definitely was not relationship ready but would never let me go; no matter what. I fought and pleaded with him to do right by me. In his mind he was even though he was lying and sleeping around on occasions. In between the many break ups I turned to others as well. Some of the guys I just dated and couple I was intimate with. But none had ever replaced him in my heart. He was still my focus, my pain and joy all rolled into one. I finally found one guy that I had intense chemistry and attraction for and we made an attempt but that didn’t work out because he was afraid I would go back to my ex and basically ditched me. I was crushed because he would have been almost perfect for me. Even though he was 13 years younger than me (I will talk about me and younger men in my next blog).
Fast forwarding to the present I broke up with my ex for good in July 2009. In his mind I’m still his girl. We went 4 months without seeing each. That was the longest time ever. I really thought well it is definitely over. I adjusted well; was being strong and had moved on in every way possible. We still talked every day though. Except for those few occasion when he would get pissed at me and not call for 2-3 days but he can’t go without calling longer than that. Too be honest I can’t either. We are so attached to each other still. I know he isn’t the right man for me but our bond is so strong. I care for him very deeply and apart of me will always love him but I am not in love with him. He professes to still be in love with me and tells me quite often “I don’t give a damn what you think or say your still mine. When you come at me with that bullshit I just ignore you”. Lately he will say “you know I really love you right”. I will look away and not say anything or if we are on the phone I will say “sure you do”. He will then say “I know you don’t believe me but I really do love you. We have put in too much time; we’re stuck with each other baby”. I never agree but don’t disagree. I just leave it alone. He even makes comments to his friends saying “my girl still loves me”. I guess because I never correct him in his mind I am agreeing with him. The problem is I am not in agreement but I don’t have the heart to tell him he is wrong. For that I am wrong. I always think well when I get into another serious relationship he will know then but in the mean time I don’t want to hurt him. Then again sometimes I don’t even feel guilty about that because; even though he professes to still love me his actions don’t show it. He is great on lip service but piss poor with actions. That’s why I don’t take him seriously. I have learned to drown him out. He was under the impression that if we saw each other once a month that was great even though we live a 15 minute drive from each other. He always wanted me to accept so little and yet stick with him. I was always trying to give 115%. He was only giving 10% but I was supposed to be grateful. I think the man is bi-polar for real for real. Next week he will be in a foul mood and won’t be able to stand my voice or will be very short with me. Then again he says I have 3 different personalities. Well hell maybe we are perfect for each other; just joking!
4 comments Originally Posted by Ms. Angela's Stuff at 5:35 PM
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